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Freshman encounters emaciated former student in the bowels of Humanities

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Loyola University Maryland

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- satire

Freshman encounters emaciated former student in the bowels of Humanities

...and hopes to avoid the same fate

Natalie Lana

2.23.18

It was a regular Wednesday afternoon for Tim Scheld, a first year. He had his Making of the Modern World European History class at 9:00 am and needed to meet with his professor to discuss an upcoming exam. Young Tim had never been in Humanities before, and he was nowhere near prepared for what he was about to get himself into.

On his journey to the history department, Tim found himself horribly lost. He felt as if he was traveling through multiple dimensions of time and space. Little did he know, his feeling was not far from reality. After about 30 minutes of frantic searching, Tim thought he had finally reached the history department, but what he actually found was far more interesting.

As Scheld tentatively approached the weathered door marked “Loyola History,” he felt a strange chill crawl down his spine. The door creaked open. Sitting there at a lone desk surrounded by countless books and papers, a man with grey hair and a long beard was staring back at the young freshman with a look of bewilderment in his eyes.

Tim was aghast. The two silently watched each other for a few moments before Tim hesitantly asked in a hushed and shaky voice, “…God?”. The old man shot up out of his chair, ran toward the stunned freshman, and drew him into a warm embrace.

“No, son.” He said. “You are the real savior.”

“My name is Brian." The man said. "I have been locked up here since my sophomore year at Loyola. I got lost trying to find the history department, and could never find my way out. If my calculations are correct, I am 57 years old now. Tell me, do you know how to get out of this place?”

Tim was in disbelief. He took Brian by the arm as he said, “No promises.”

Together, the two rushed out of the room and through the hallway, down the stairs, around a bend, through another hallway, up a ramp, down some more stairs, turned right, then left, then went down some more stairs, and finally spotted the light at the end of the tunnel. “EXIT,” the sign read in glowing red letters.

Brian and Tim burst through the door as the old man exclaimed, “Freedom at last!” Tim looked at Brian and said, “So, what are you gonna do now?”

“I guess I’ll go back to school,” he said. And so he did. You may even see him walking through campus. If you ever see a 57-year-old man wearing gym shorts and a backpack, you’ll know that your fellow student Brian Linnane is nothing less than elated to be finishing his final two years at Loyola.