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Senior collapses due to the weight of his cords



Loyola University Maryland


- satire

Senior collapses due to the weight of his cords

"How much is too much?"

Chandler Middleton


BALTIMORE-- Mike Harvey has collapsed as he was crossing the stage to receive his diploma due to the immense weight of his graduation cords. Each cord represents a group Harvey has paid a fee to enroll in and other honors bestowed on him. However, the University is now debating, "how much is too much?"

When questioned, other students in the University said they thought this particular student was almost too involved, incessantly sacrificing his social life in order to constantly guard his seat in the library next to a charging port.

Several students who shared classes with Harvey said he was very competitive and almost mean-spirited when it came to participation in group projects. In projects in which the group members had to rate their fellow members, he would bribe the students with his extra meal points or by doing the entirety of the project himself.

The pressure he had put on himself to achieve ultimately caused the day to show off his success to end horribly.

Graduation attendees near the exit said they heard the student mumbling, "the weight, the weight of it all," as the student was carried off on a stretcher. Many are confused as to how Harvey was able to obtain all 164 of his cords at all.

Another student joked that the school should have given him a separate ceremony entirely, or given him a colorful cape.

Harvey is said to make a full recovery and the University is thinking about alternatives to the cords to make sure this does not happen again. One student made the suggestion that we make the switch to iron-on patches on graduation gowns, "like the cool ones you put on jean jackets."

It is unknown if this will actually be considered but a board member has leaked that when Father Linnane heard of the proposal, he clapped his hands and began to eagerly tell about his time as a Boy Scout.