Swipe left to keep

Kept articles are stored in your profile for you to read later.

Got it!

Student injured after thinking he was an Olympian



Loyola University Maryland


- satire

Student injured after thinking he was an Olympian

"He thought he could do it"

Marley Scheld


Senior bro, Adam Keegan, is excused from Loyola's Marksmanship Club for the rest of the semester due to injury after falling down the hill behind the library in what the on-call LoPo officer could not call anything since he was laughing too hard.

Keegan was reportedly shotgunning beers with his boys last Saturday while watching the Olympic biathlon competition. As a member of the Loyola Marksmanship club, Keegan enthusiastically studied the event which requires athletes racing on skiis and shooting at targets with rifles.

Friend Joe Walker recounts Keegan begrudgingly muttering, "I can do that," at the television moments before grabbing his Nerf gun from the closet.

The group tried to stop Keegan, but he had shotgunned too many Natty Bohs and was already fashioning some skiis out of flattened Amazon boxes tied to his Reebok shoes with chip clips and duct tape. Another friend, Jeremy Dyer, says, "We were sorta concerned but when we saw the skiis we were pretty blown by the creativity. They were dope. And, like, Nerf."

Keegan and his buddies found themselves at the hill by the library at 1:15 am, Saturday night. Keegan's last words before the accident were "hold my beer."

"He slid down the hill on his skiis, and it was lit at first," remarked another friend, Justin Cook. "But just as he was about to pull his Nerf gun out and shoot the tinfoil target, his skiis got stuck in mud and all the chip clips snapped. He face planted pretty bad."

Keegan is excused from the Marksmanship Club for the rest of the semester due to injury. He is currently in the hospital recovering, mainly from a bruised ego.