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The art of wine pairings: boxed edition

food and-drink


Loyola University Maryland


- satire

The art of wine pairings: boxed edition

Boujee on a budget

Tara Brooky


Wine pairing is an activity that you are sure to do during your post-grad life. Mixing and matching is the secret to unleashing all the flavors that each wine offers, and every college kid’s go-to for taste and cost is Franzia. What follows is a guide to help those looking to dive into the culture on a college kid’s budget and some new ideas for those already with a box in their fridge.

Chardonnay is where all aspiring wine pairing connoisseurs start. This semi-dry and medium bodied flavor flatters dry preheated macaroni and cheese at 3 am. and the questionable rotisserie chicken that's been sitting in the back of your refrigerator for a week and a half.

Merlot is an extraordinary dry red and a staple to any elegant meal. The dry blackberry and raspberry aromas feature well with a disappointing sesame chicken take out order.

Cabernet Sauvignon is another dry red with sweet plum undertones. These flavors are perfectly paired with Cheez-Its dipped in cream cheese and a side of Catholic guilt.

Dark Red Blend is a medium dry red and a full bodied wine. Typically goes best with your inner demons and over-priced Ben and Jerry’s from Night Hound.

Moscato is known as the dessert wine. But reserve that status for other sweet whites like Pink Moscato. Red Moscato is what you use to get day-drunk and choke down a soggy two-day old leftover spinach salad from Iggy’s.

White Zinfandel's equally sweet and dry flavors make this wine very versatile in pairing, but the light bodied weight is why White Zinfandel pairs perfectly with the classic game of slap the bag.

Pink Moscato is the most refreshing and sweet wine from the Franzia selection. This light-bodied wine fills your pallet with the flavors of strawberry, raspberry, and white peach followed by subtle hints of self-hatred. Pairings include, but are not limited to, three or more servings of cupcakes, raw cookie dough, or stale clearance pastries from Giant.

Sunset Blush tends to pair well with the subtle misandry that is brought out during a “girl’s night” while dancing to early 2000’s pop punk girl bands. Serve chilled. Don't be afraid to add your own twist on this classic wine and mix in some sliced fruit and emotional calls to your ex.

Maybe one day you'll be able to afford real wine that comes in a bottle, but until then slap the bag while you wallow in debt thanks to the corrupt, money eating, capitalist machine that is Hop Deli.