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English professor fails to inspire students with "Dead Poets Society" teaching style

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Loyola University Maryland

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- satire

English professor fails to inspire students with "Dead Poets Society" teaching style

Initiates intense eye contact for 12 days

Mary Rose Bethel

11.17.17

Understanding Literature professor, Dr. James Perkins, dreams of being known around the Loyola campus as the next “John Keating,” a beloved character played by Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

Because of this, he tries to create the inspirational dynamic between teacher and student through spontaneous outbursts and profound teachings.

One student recalls, “I had him last semester for my lower level English. He seemed really low-key at first, but then he yelled out in Olde English. I looked around to see the reactions from the rest of the class but everyone's eyes were glazed over.”

Perkins has received an apathetic response from students, commonly known amongst Loyola professors as the soul-crushing “Loyola face.”

One review left by AvidYelpReviewer on the website “Rate My Professor,” had this to say about the bumbling professor:
It seems that many students lucky enough to have early registration times have taken this advice; however, not everyone was as fortunate. Sophomore Eli Campbell was locked out of every English course except the course with Dr. Perkins––a class with only five seats.

Campbell recounts, “It was unbelievable. Every other course had 100 seats to fill, but I watched all of them fill up because my registration time was 9 P.M. Pacific Time.”

Since it has been three months into the semester, the five students taking the less-than-desired Understanding Literature class have commented.

“You know how some professors will stare at the class waiting for an answer that never comes because no one did the assigned reading? Most professors give in and move on but Dr. Perkins refused to say anything until we did. We sat in silence for 12 days.”

After some investigation into how this method of academic torture is allowed on Loyola’s campus, it was discovered that Dr. Perkins never had any formal schooling to be an English professor. Loyola’s administration had an oversight, as Perkins applied to be a Drama teacher.

Once the student body became aware of this error, many felt that he should be removed from his position as English Department Chair.

However, Dr. Perkins will remain at his position due to receiving tenure. It is rumored he wowed the promotional committee with his stare-down technique, proclaiming that it could be the solution to the dreaded “Loyola face.” His demonstration then compelled those attending to stand on their desks chanting “O Perkins! O Perkins!”

His dramatic flair distracted from the fact that he was completely unqualified for tenure.