Swipe left to keep

Kept articles are stored in your profile for you to read later.

Got it!

FAC reports record attendance after students receive decade old PM_Evergreen alert



Loyola University Maryland


- satire

FAC reports record attendance after students receive decade old PM_Evergreen alert

The amazing race to the Blue Light

Mary Rose Bethel


BALTIMORE – Loyola Maryland’s Fitness and Aquatic Center (FAC) reported a surge in student attendance shortly following an alert from PM_Evergreen regarding a crime which occurred on school property over a decade ago. FAC employee, Johnny Martin, reports, “Usually I only have to greet the same 50 students wearing athleisure, but recently I have seen new faces with a frenzied panic in their eyes.”
When asked why an alert was sent out to students over 10 years late, Loyola Public Safety alleges, "the intent to send out the alert in a timely manner was there, but the operator set an alarm for a 20 minute nap and hit snooze by mistake."

We reached out to the on-duty operator of the night in question in 2005 but have received no comment.
Freshman Robert Carper, who was nine when the first incident went unreported, received the 10-years-too-late message and promptly decided to transfer to a school across the country. He explains, "At first my parents thought transferring to a school on the West Coast was a bit extreme, but when I explained what happened they said 'oh sh*t' and quickly moved me out of Hammerman. They're still bitter about not being reimbursed for meal points though."
After receiving an alert hours after a recent incident, students realized they had approximately zero chance of avoiding possible suspects at any given time. Students have begun training at the FAC in order to improve their speed and agility.
Senior Jessie Neal was alarmed when she received an email from PM_Evergreen saying, “If you’re reading this, it’s too late,” as she walked directly through the most recent crime scene. The alerts, like the one received by Neal, have taken on the form of song lyrics.

Despite being incredibly vague to the point that Loyola students do not know what has transpired, Loyola Public Safety has confirmed that this quirky detail is an attempt to "keep up with the times" and "prevent mass hysteria."
“At that exact moment, I knew I had to improve my level of fitness," Neal says. “I started with some basic training at the FAC just like everyone else before increasing the intensity with more ‘in the field’ training. Now I sprint from class to class with books from every single subject just to test myself."

It has since come to Neal’s attention that she is running around with goods approximated at $2,500 value and has since taken up running with bricks instead. There have been claims that the bricks used in these exercises have been taken from the bridge connecting East and West campus. Neal refused to comment further on the missing bricks, which cost $1,000 each to replace.
Neal currently leads fellow students in training exercises consisting of relay races to and from Blue Lights on campus. During one training session, it was discovered that the Blue Lights are actually inoperable.

According to eyewitness accounts, the dial tone was replaced, “You used to call me on your cellphone, late night when you need my love,” playing continuously on a loop.