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Father Linnane spends weeks crafting homemade Valentines for students



Loyola University Maryland


- satire

Father Linnane spends weeks crafting homemade Valentines for students

The Jesuit's plan for his favorite day of the year

Bailey Myers


With February 14 quickly approaching, reports are surfacing that Father Linnane is doing something extremely special for students this Valentine's Day, his favorite holiday. After being disheartened no one attended his themed party last year in his home––complete with pink heart-shaped sugar cookies and Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud playing on repeat––Linnane has decided to take the fun directly to the student body instead.

Colleagues of his report Linnane has taken all the glue, glitter, and red construction paper on campus and locked himself in his office for most of the past week. Administrators are worried for his health, saying he is the first to campus every day and the last out. One administrator says he runs lines by every person he sees.

“He has become rather obsessed with making the perfect Valentine. You can hear ‘Roses are red, Greyhounds are grey’ echoing throughout Humanities. It’s worrisome. Not to mention that he has insisted the cards are only for the 'sweet, sweet' students and therefore some faculty have become rather demoralized."

Students have also noticed a change in Linnane's day to day activities. When students normally see him, he dishes out a few 'hellos' and continues on his way. However recently, Linnane has appeared to be deep in thought, at times muttering 'whale you be mine?' and other adorable puns, and oddly enough, covered in red glitter.

Father Linnane has also looked into making homemade chocolates to go with each Valentine, paying Boulder employees overtime to pour his secret recipe into mold after mold.

Rumors say he plans to deliver each handmade Valentine in the early morning of February 14, although the hope is that he doesn't dress up as Cupid to deliver them.